Just a Habit

I will always remember the pain. People talk about their beautiful memories that hunt them and all but the only thing I can remember is the pain.

Pain in love. Pain in loss. Pain in friendship. Pain in success. Pain in life.

You would ask me why do I tend to see the pain and ignore all the happiness. I know that it is there… or at least sometimes… rarely…
Imagine this situation – you are happy – you’re smiling and having a good time and right in that second while you are laughing so hard that your stomach hurt you feel it – the emptiness. It is not actually pain like the one you feel when you can’t take it anymore and it is tearing you apart, leaving you with nothing but more pain. And yet that emptiness is not something you could easily ignore. It is there and you are no longer happy.

Sometimes I think that I have grown used to it. I have it as a habit. I look for the pain. I need it to keep going. I need it to feel alive.

Some people smoke cigarettes, other drink alcohol, other use drugs and I… I look for the pain… Just another type of habit, I guess… and sometimes I think that there is nothing more harmful than my little habit.

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