Somewhere.. not here

“Don’t wait for me.”
I will always remember the day he said it. It was a cloudy day and he had just driven me to school.
“Don’t wait for me.”
He kept saying it as if I was going to listen to him. When he finally stopped repeating it, it was my turn to talk.
“I will leave. I won’t ever look back. I won’t wait for you. I won’t cry for you. I won’t miss you. Just tell me that you want it. Tell me that you want me to leave. And I will.”
So we stood in silence, sitting in his car, looking at all the other students entering the school. It took him awhile but he finally had my answer.
“I’m going to another country. I’m starting at a university that is not here. I’m going to be somewhere but not here… You have to forget me. Don’t wait for me. I know how you feel about me. I know that you see me as something big, important or whatever, but I feel like you want something from me and I can’t give it to you. So you have to forget me. It’s for your own good. Do not wait for me. Promise me.”
He was looking at me with his big brown eyes, begging me to let go. He was right. I wanted something from him and he couldn’t give it to me. I wanted his love. I took his friendship. He cared about me or at least that was what he claimed. I took his body. He wanted me. His hands desired my skin. His lips desired my neck. But that wasn’t enough. We had the physical part and the friendship part but I had been in love with him for more than two years. And the one thing I wanted, the one thing I needed was his love. And it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t give it to me.
“Okay. I will leave. But remember that I love you. And I will always love you.”
I leaned towards him, kissed him on the cheek, got out of the car and left.
This was the last time I was going to see him but I never turned back. This was what he asked for. Maybe I was going to see him in 10-15 years with wife and kids but that didn’t matter. I was always going to wait for him. No matter what I said. No matter what I did. I was always going to wait for him. But not that day. Not the day he hurt me. I was always going to wait for him except for the day he broke my heart.
So today I’m still waiting…


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