Losses. We experience them all the time. We lose a pen, a book, a bag, a friend, our dignity, our ideas, ourselves. And it’s all one big freaking loss. Sometimes our loss isn’t so harmful and heartbreaking, and sometimes it turns your world around. I mean it’s a loss.
While on his way to the funeral, Jonathan was thinking about the problem he realized he had two months ago: every writer needs pain in his life. A writer’s happiness is most simply the thing that would kill him. One sunny happy afternoon Jonathan reached this conclusion and started to feel angry about all that happiness he was feeling. He needed pain and he wanted pain. I mean “No pain, no gain”, right? So Jonathan begun to question his happiness. He convinced himself that happiness is a momentous feeling, an illusion and that he didn’t deserve that illusion. So there you had it – a boy that wanted to be a poet. A boy that would do anything to find his sadness.
I would really like to point out the fact that Jonathan was simply a stupid boy that didn’t know what he was wishing for. However, his wish did come true. His ex-girlfriend died. She killed herself six months after he dumped her. It was a very simple situation – Jonathan didn’t love Betty and she was in love with him so he ended it. And now she was dead. Jonathan simply could not understand how and why she did it. “She overdosed”, they said. “She wasn’t happy”, they said. Jonathan knew he had to feel guilt and sorrow but he didn’t feel anything. He was numb. Maybe he was in denial? He hoped so. He needed to feel something. He had to feel guilt. And yet – nothing, he wasn’t even a little bit sad. That loss meant nothing to him. And that could simply ruin a person.
When you loose a friend, an ex-lover, you have to feel it. Jonathan couldn’t understand what was happening to him. He became so self-absorbed, trying to find some feeling hidden in his soul. But he couldn’t.
On his way to the funeral he realized that he couldn’t go there. He couldn’t go and see all that people and their true sadness. It would only make him focus on his lack of emotions. He was staring to believe that he was a sociopath, a freak. And maybe he was right. He didn’t go – he stood on a hill and simply watched the whole thing from a distance. All that people crying made him realize something – he had to feel and if he couldn’t feel on his owns, he had to find something that would make him feel.
For the next few years Jonathan tried everything – drugs, fights, alcohol, sex. He felt momentous physical pain or pleasure and then it was gone. So finally after 7 years of sins he did the same mistake as Betty. When he felt the drugs in his body he was so depressed that people would wonder why he even took it. The overdose killed him. A simple mistake made by a stupid boy – that’s what ended the life of a poet that could have been a great writer.
Jonathan never ever realized that actually his pain was in his denial and that he was searching a way out. He couldn’t let himself feel the loss so he focused on everything else. He used drugs and drunk alcohol so that he would stop seeing her face. He fought so that people would hurt him and he would get what he deserved. He slept with all those women, searching for the way out of his misery. He was lost. And he didn’t have the luck to be found again.